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Were you raised in an atheist family or did you become
an atheist on your own?
The primary reason my questioning began was that I am gay, and have
known it since I was 4. Oh, I didn't know I fell under the label
of "gay" or "homosexual", but I *did* know that I got crushes on other
boys. When I learned what it meant to be this way, and what my family's
religion had to say about it, I turned into a depressed, apathetic child
because I thought I was such an "evil" person, and no matter how hard I
tried I just couldn't change. I already had Attention Deficit Disorder,
and was reeling from the inner turbulence and chaos people's attitudes
towards such a child at the time could produce (This was when no one knew
of such a disorder and simply called you "lazy" or "stupid" or
"irresponsible"). Realizing that I was a "Sodomite" destined to burn just
made my inner turmoil that much worse. I thought that maybe on some level
I didn't *want* to change or something, but that was patently untrue -
I *DID* want to change. Desperately. So, from the time I found out what
"gay" was, and that the label applied to me (I was about 8 or so at the
time), until the time I finally stopped worrying about it at around 19 or
20, I was miserable in my emotional self-flagellation and self-denial.
Self-esteem and self-worth were non-existent for me, and my social life
suffered immeasurably for it. I had few friends, and out of self-hatred
I would end up sabotaging the few relationships I did manage to form.
I'd tried everything I could to change my sexual feelings - prayer,
fasting, begging God, denying that I was really that way... Everything.
And with every failure, I became that much more convinced that I was that
much more evil and "bad" for not being able to change something I didn't
choose to be in the first place.
I had sort of an "epiphany" when I was around 8 years old, almost like
a religious experience, which told me, "The only ultimate truth is that
there *is* no 'ultimate truth'", something which, if I'd accepted it at
the time, would have freed me from the confines of religious oppression
I'd been raised in. But I just sort of "ignored" it, and went on
wallowing in mine and my family's misery.
This went on for years. Meanwhile, there was an aunt with which I had a
very close and special relationship - we both had a gift for playing
music by ear, and she had been my Sunday School teacher for years. We
could talk about things in ways me and my parents couldn't, and that was
special. She died in 1986, when I was just about to turn 15. I viewed
her death as a "test" from God, and reaffirmed my faith and re-dedicated
my life to the Lord. What made it worse was that she died on the day I
tried my first dose of speed in school - the first illegal drug I'd ever
taken. I was absolutely convinced that, despite the fact that she'd had
leukemia for 11 years and had been dying slowly for months, "God" had
taken her on that day to "punish" me for that heinous act. The amount of
*guilt* this religion had dumped on me was enormous, and it's amazing I
didn't reach wit's end much sooner.
But finally, one day when I was around 17, I guess I just "snapped". Not
in the sense that I had a nervous break down or anything, but I just finally
became sick of all the guilt and horribly negative feelings Christianity kept
*dumping* on me over and over and over again. At this point, I went into a
kind of "emotional void" phase - like my emotional systems were in "shock" of
some sort, and they simply stopped functioning. I was blank, emotionless,
probably in response to the excruciating buildup of pain and guilt in my life,
both from being gay, and from being helplessly "lazy, irresponsible and
careless". Maybe it actually was a kind of "nervous breakdown", I don't know,
but it was one of the most peaceful and beneficent periods in my life. With
such emotional detachment, I was able to begin taking an honest, objective
look at my life, at the religion I'd been brought up in, and at my family.
Unfortunately, I had no one to talk to through this questioning period - the
Internet wasn't available to me then, and I wasn't sure how my only friend at
the time (Yes, I only had 1 friend) would have taken such blatant questioning
of things I thought he considered "ultimate truths" (I found out later he was
going through a similar "questioning" phase, and came to conclusions similar
to mine). My family certainly wouldn't have taken questioning of their beliefs
very well (My mom flew into enough hysterics when she caught my sister sharing
a joint with my cousin - the "sin" of disbelief and questioning is unquestionably
more serious in their eyes because with doing drugs, you can be forgiven, but if
you disbelieve, you can't be "saved"). So I had to go it alone. But I managed,
examining my attitudes, the Bible, everything, not with the intent of proving my
religion "wrong", but so that I could see if there was really a *reason*
for all this horrible negativity I'd experienced with Christianity, to see
what the truth was whether I "liked" the truth I found or not. I'd have
been willing to keep suffering if I found it was necessary for salvation.
However, taking a few good looks at the Bible, I began realizing that it
wasn't the "truth" I'd thought it was.
I still believed in a "god", and that god was all-loving and all that,
but I decided that the Christian God could not possibly be the true god.
Reading about Gideon, Job and various other "battles" such as Jericho, I
realized no god in its right mind would actually do these things, that
the god of the Bible was invented by primitive barbarians to justify their
primitive behavior. So I took on a rather pantheistic perspective for
awhile, and tried all sorts of other religions and philosophies. During
this time, I became a much more relaxed and likable person, and started
making friends much more easily. I went from having only 1 signature in
my yearbook in 9th grade, to not having enough room for friends to sign
it by the time I graduated - it was wonderful! :-)
Modern witchcraft, including religions/philosophies such as Wicca, were
the most appealing and beneficent to me through this search, and I was
eventually able to begin reconnecting with my emotional self and to deal
with the pain, depression and anger given to me by Christianity. Of course,
it's an on-going process - I'm now 25, and still have only scratched the
surface of all the hurt (A hurt "God" never even *once*
tried to soothe in any way, shape or form, despite my willingness to
submit to his "divine will" - I'd have even been willing to suffer through
it if I could have found just cause for doing so) - but at least now, I
*can* deal with it. I'm *allowed* to deal with it, I don't have to
suppress it because "suffering is good" or "God is not to be questioned"
or any such nonsense.
Eventually, my examination of religious and philosophical matters became
much more thorough, in-depth and objective, and through simply educating
myself, I decided that either there was no god, or if there was, it/they
either played no part in our lives, or simply didn't care *what* we
believed or did. After all, people of all religious and philosophical
persuasions receive "confirmation" for their beliefs of one sort of
another, and *if* such confirmation is from a "higher source" rather than
from their own minds, then this "higher source" is just going along with
whatever we decide. So, my reasoning went, I might as well behave as if
there is no god anyway.
It's only been recently, however, that I've decided that most human
conceptualizations and descriptions of a "god/dess" aren't likely to
exist, and as a result consider myself a strong atheist in regards to
most gods. For this perspective, I owe thanks to the alt.atheism forum.
And you know what? With each successive loss of "connection"
with any type of "god" concept, I didn't end up going out and raping,
stealing, murdering or violating others in any fashion. In fact, I
consider myself a much kinder, sincere and more "moral" person than I
was before, certainly more so than many today who label themselves as
"Christians". But with my history, I do understand them, and what
makes them that way, and find it very hard to place blame squarely on
their shoulders. Sure, the more dreadful theists are responsible
inasmuch as they willingly submit to blindness, servitude and
intellectual death (through denial of their own reasoning facilities),
but on the whole, most people probably do not *want* to be "bad" or
"rude" or "mean" - it just happens that their philosophies and beliefs
give them no other choice, and they don't see it as *being* "bad",
"rude" or "mean".
FWIW, that's pretty much my story. BTW - is someone
>"collecting" the answers to these questions or something? I'm just
wandering what the purpose of the questions are. Whatever that may
be, they do seem to be an excellent way to get "atheist-oriented"
conversations going, and I'm glad whoever thought of them did. :-)
Thanks! :-) (Avender #88)
My mother soon left when she figured out how anti-Catholic they were
(she was raised Catholic) and the anti-woman sentiment played a part
in her eventual return to normality. It was quite a while later that
my dad left, as he discovered that most of their semi-science was crap.
I would think that it was a combination of being raised agnostic, and
being forced to go to church that eventually turned me into an atheist.
It did take two more readings of the Bible when I got older to understand
that "hey, that isn't quite the way things work" on a scientific level.
I guess the kicker was this news group. I mean, without this place, I
never would have remembered the "can't prove a negative" from my phil-151
class. (Paul MacDonald #537)
I attended Sunday School and church from as far back as I can remember.
I joined "Girls Friendly", a church club for junior high and high school
girls to discuss religion and learn proper domestic skills such as sewing,
cooking, and deferring to men. What I resented most during my childhood,
was that I was not allowed to play, talk on the telephone, watch
television or even read a book on Sunday. I was required to spend all
day with my family, usually going to my elder married brother's house and
sitting, dressed up in my go-to-church clothes for the entire day.
Given this background, my mother was appalled when I started questioning
doctrines which made no sense to me such as the Trinity and the divinity
of Jesus. She told me that I really didn't hold those thoughts. I
ultimately moved out of my parents' home when I was eighteen for various
reasons. I maintained surreptitious contact with my father, but did not
have any communication with my mother for many years. I, unfortunately
and inevitably, married a man who was more controlling and more abusive
than my mother and converted to Catholicism on his insistence.
To make a long story short (too late), I put myself through college
despite objections from my husband, became a mother of two and persisted
in questioning my religious beliefs. The priests were sure that if I just
studied more catechism, it would all make sense to me. It didn't.
Eventually, I stopped attending church, divorced my husband, acknowledged
that I was an atheist and found happiness; but that's another story.
8-) (Liz Huth #658)
I was raised a xian, but it never set well with me. As I got older, I
decided the only intelligent thing to do was to make an informed
decision (as opposed to just blindly accepting the family religion), so
I began years of research into all matters religious, studying many
different religions along the way. During this time I still considered
myself a xian.
Eventually I rejected all religions outright (including xianity) and just
considered myself a generic theist. Once I did this, my family (mostly my
mother and two brothers) started trying to "bring me back to xianity" and
after a few years of arguing and (poor) debating via telephone and e-mail,
I began to have doubts about the validity of theism too, which lead me to
investigate atheism.
After just a few months of regular visits to alt.atheism, I finally shed
the last remnants of my theistic garb and became a free thinking atheist.
Even though by doing so I became somewhat of an outcast from my own
family, I have never regretted it for even a nano-second.
("Fish" -David B. Trout- #623)
I suppose I had it easier than a lot of people here. I grew up in an
affluent and well-educated area and religion was never considered to
be a big deal by any of my friends, family or neighbors. Creationism
was considered simply a curiosity of the Neanderthals in the Bible Belt
and socializing centered far more around the malls than any houses of
worship. In fact, the intolerance for my lack of belief ( and my
skepticism in general ) that I've run into, has occured mainly in the
years since I went out into the working world...and since I've gotten
on-line...Which I guess explains how I wound up here.
;-) (Alikhat #757)
I did it all: twice a week to church, hypocricy, looking down on people who
were not Christians, voting republican, proselyting, reading the bible, refusing
to use my intelligence, the whole bit as a mainline protestant.. All of those
things that make Christians an abomination today.
I became an atheist when I realized that the bible stories, that were taught in
the sermons, were the actual doctrine, not just stories for children. I began
to wonder about the contradictions and utter rubbish that were to revered in the
bible. The church scene was no longer attractive. The sermons were given by
scientific illiterates. The fellowship was strained and hollow. It was like a
breath of fresh air to be free from stale religious doctrine.
It was not until I began to post to alt.atheism six years ago that I became a
hardcore atheist--astounded by the depths of religious bigotry and ignorance,
displayed so naively by the fundies who were driven to post in alt.atheism.
I was shocked how effectively religious brainwashing could turn intelligent
human beings into senseless robots consumed by their own delusions. The shock
remains today.
I was an atheist when I arrived at alt.atheism. I know now that I am beyond the
reach of any future religious experience, because of the intellectual
devastation I have seen in fundy behavior. For this I am grateful to
alt.atheism and all of the atheists who defend this newsgroup. (Clothaire #1392)
I don't know when I first started doubting, but as far back as I remember I
always had some questions about religion. The answers that the priests and
nuns gave just never added up. I began to investigate the subject on my own.
By the time I was about 15, I was an agnostic. In my junior year in college,
I became an atheist. I haven't looked back since. (John Hachmann #1782)
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