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As a theist, did you ever regularly commune with God? That is, did
you believe that you could speak with him on a daily basis (much as you would with a close friend)
> If so, what are your feelings towards
those experiences now?
I was an idiot, to put it mildly. I actually took it for granted that
those experiences actually pointed to something outside of my own mind.
(Dave Holloway #1184)
To find out what was going on, I read the Bible, starting at the front right through to the back. Conclusion? Complete shite, instant atheist.
[1] Any religious folks reading this who are tempted to tell me that
I said the magic spells incorrectly, or that the total lack of
an answer was in fact an answer which I did not understand, save
yourself the effort, I will just laugh at you. (Niall McAuley #36)
>or feel the Holy Spirit washing through you during worship?
Did not go to church much but did feel it during prayer.
> If so, what are your feelings towards those experiences now?
I miss it sometimes. (atheist@home.com #1554)
Yeppers. Or so it seemed at the time.
: > did you believe that you could speak with him on a daily basis (much
as you would with a close friend) or feel the Holy Spirit washing
through you during worship?
I was a Charasmatic. I felt the "Holy Sprit" and "prophesized". I also spoke in tongues, and can still do so, BTW. :)
: > If so, what are your feelings towards
those experiences now?
Mild embarassment, a great deal of amusement... it was a learning experience. I think my friends from that time who are still Charasmatic find it a bit shattering that someone could have so many "divine" experiences, and still end up rejecting the faith. :) (SunFall #889)
As far as "feeling the Holy Spirit wash over me" is concerned, it happened only twice that I can remember.
A little background first for the first time.
In high school I was a nerd (or "geek" if you prefer) and not very
popular. I wasn't part of the "in crowd"/"popular clique" so I had few friends. It was my desire to make friends, I suppose, that lead me to
"hook up" with the religious crowd since they seemed to accept me as I
was whereas the "cool crowd" of course rejected me because I wasn't
"cool". Not an uncommon occurrence at that age I'm sure.
I got to be friends with this nice girl who came from a really religious family, a fundy family I guess it was. We would meet each morning in the school cafeteria for Bible reading before starting the day. One day she invited me to accompany her to a revival. It was you standard old-
fashioned "tent revival" except it was held in a barn. IIRC, there a
small stage and soft organ music playing in the background (from a tape recorder hooked up to speakers). The stage was well lit but the rest of
the barn was left dim and the sweet smell of fresh hay was all around.
I was "saved" that night and even spoke in tongues. I admit I felt "something" during the experience, like some sort of "Holy Spirit" had entered me, but looking back now it was really me just getting caught up with the overall highly expectant mood subliminally implanted by the special effects. The preacher really had us worked up with his booming voice and the crowd was shouting "Hallelujah!". That sort of thing. It really was a sight to see.
It was, of course, nothing more than a very moving emotional experience, one almost demanded of you by simply being there. But it did allow me to become even more accepted by small group of religious teenagers like
myself that I hung out with which I suppose, subconsciously was what I really wanted more than anything at that point in my life. (Pretty pathetic, huh?)
The second time was years later in mid-December of 1993. I was sitting in the living room late at night while everyone else was sleeping. There was only a single lamp next to my easy providing just enough light to allow me to read the Bible. I was checking out some verses I think my brother had mentioned to me. I was feeling quite down because it was the first house (and as it turns out, only house) I ever owned and was just a few years
old, having been built brand new. The living room had a vaulted ceiling which I guess added to the mood.
I was unemployed at the time and feeling quite low, having also just received received an eviction notice from my mortgage company a few days before (they of course had finally foreclosed on my montage for being so many months behind). Having all this happen right around Christmas time too, with a 13 year old child expecting xmas presents, didn't help matters either.
I was sitting there reading the Bible in the still of the night, trying
to make sense of what I was reading (Ch'yeah, right; as if that's possible!), when after pondering it all -- as well as pondering my present situation as well -- when I was finally overcome and had, what I now recognize as a sort of miniature nervous breakdown.
For some strange reason which I still cannot fathom, it seemed I was able, for just a moment, to actually make sense of what I was reading (I don't even remember the passage anymore) and I was overwhelmed with a flood of emotions. Joy, happiness, fear, loneliness, peace, anger, contentment, depression ... they washed over me in wave after wave and I broke down and cried, bawling like a baby (softly so as to not wake anyone) in huge,
wracking sobs.
I had reached the end of my rope so to speak, and was willing, out of
shear desperation, to place myself into the hands of the Lord. (This is embarrassing).
Afterwards, for the next few days, the sense of "everything is going to
be all right" remained as my general attitude had been changed that night from one of utter futility to one of positive confidence that I would make it through this tough time in my life.
As the days went by, of course, I gradually "came down" from my self-induced "high" and just did what I had to do as each unique situation presented itself.
That's pretty much it, but so as to not leave you hanging, we managed to finagle our way into an apartment down the street after my wife found a
job and I had a go at being a house-husband for a while.
Less than a year later I began coming to my senses (due in large part, no doubt, to my brush with the law -- don't ask, please) and renounced my xianity to my family. A few years after that, after spending a few months as a lurker in this very news group (feeding on a steady diet of Stix
posts as well as many others whose names I can no longer recall), I took the mental leap (well, actually it was more like just a final step) and became the rather strong atheist I remain to this day.
Looking back on each of these experiences with an open and objective mind, you can see how each time I was under quite a bit of stress. I've since learned from reading a textbook on the psychology of religion that that's usually how it is. Psychological experiments have shown that most mystical
experiences occur when the subject is in a high stress situation. When the mood and setting is right, it's not hard to cause oneself (or others) to have a mystical experience.
Of course, the truly god-soaked don't see it that way. They think they've "touched God" (or he or that Holy Ghost guy did).
If only they would just open their eyes and wake up. Reality is really not that bad once you get used to it. :) ("Fish" (David B. Trout) #623)
Feelings now... Relief, frankly. (Rian Jensen #317)
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