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Question 5
When you realized that you were an atheist, did you feel relief, fear, happiness? What emotion, exactly?
- What emotion did I feel? A little bit of anger and disgust at first, directed
mostly at myself that I could have fooled for so long, or that I accepted what
people told me as fact without questioning.
Later, contentment in the knowledge that one does not need supernatural constructs
to have a reason for living. (Alex #616)
- The first thing I felt was embarrassed. I had believed this shit for 16
years?!?! I couldn't believe that I had been so stupid. Later, I felt lucky that
circumstances had led me to question my faith and that I had come to the only
logical solution. (steve shriver #553)
- I felt like a complete fool for having let myself get sucked into believing
all that bible nonsense. I once heard a comedian refer to born again Christians
as "fooled again Christians", meaning people who've fallen twice for the same crap.
I feel embarrassed that it took me so long to wake up. (Sally #939)
- I felt victorious. I had all those nagging doubts and guilt removed. I found
that the things that I instinctually felt, and which I reasoned to be true, were
indeed true. I also felt free, and relieved. I also felt vindication. I was happy
to see the sham of christianity wilt under the scrutiny of reason. I did NOT feel
any sadness, remorse, or fear. (Dedgod #655)
- I felt quite sad, because it's very comforting to believe that there is some
super-powerful father figure batting in your corner and caring for you. This was
the last part of my faith that I let go. It had been a fairly long process -
about 10 years - of becoming atheist. The more I learned about science, the more
I changed my idea of a deity to fit in with new knowledge, until it was very little
like what is taught by Christianity.
To offset that, I also felt enormous relief; relief that I could be my natural self
without questioning everything that I said, did or felt. I also felt a little bit
proud that I had the strength to stand on my own two feet without the crutch of
religion, and a security that I hadn't known before. This security came from the
_feeling_, not just the thinking, that it was right to live _this_ life, rather
than to give it second place to a possible hereafter. (June Gill #364)
- First of all, the process took a long time. Born into a Baptist family, adopted
into a Catholic family (I quit catechism because the other boys and girls weren't
serious enough about it), I became disenchanted with western religions that I
encountered (the Santa Clause factor was too high). I entered Yale double majoring
in Physics and Eastern Philosophy (it was a fashionable pairing, the Tao of Physics
and all). Transferring to Comp Lit, I was tutored by Harold Bloom and a wonderful
man name Bentley Latham (who helped translate the Nag Hammadi library). They
introduced me to Gnosticism. Being rid of the faith issue attracted me strongly.
Still, however, there was a nagging bit of superstition left.
Agnosticism, did not appeal to me because I misunderstood what it was (thanks for
the FAQ and the clarification of that issue), and I hated what I perceived to be
weak-willed fence sitting.
When I realized that I had finally come to be an atheist and that it seemed to be
an unavoidable position, I recall being very quiet for a moment. My body relaxed.
There is comfort in a durable idea. (Don McManus #764)
- In my case it was at about age 12 that I fully realized that I just couldn't
believe what I was being told in church and in the bible. I don't even really know
what caused me to question it, or whether I ever did believe it and was just
finally thinking for myself.
However, when I finally and fully realized I was an atheist, I did go through quite
a few different emotions:
ANXIETY: When telling my parents I no longer wanted to go to church because I
couldn't believe in it. I was no older than 12 at the time and didn't know what
the reaction would be. If I remember correctly, their reaction was along the line
of the fact I was too young to make such a decision. Anyhow I still had to go to
church, but I think they must have known it was extremely doubtful that it would
make any difference. I am well-known for being stubborn once I make up my mind.
FEAR: When the minister cornered me one day and asked why I wasn't
being confirmed. He was well over six feet tall (seemed like a lot
more, especially as he was leaning over to talk to me and I was only
12 or so). But I told him why, he asked me whether I wanted to talk
about it, and I said no. After that I felt much RELIEF and was PROUD
I had stood up to him and said what I believed (or rather what I
didn't believe).
BOREDOM: Even after telling my parents, I still had to go to church
for a while and distinctly remember "counting things" in the church
during the service. Things did liven up during sunday school when I
found out there was another atheist in the class who was not afraid
to speak his mind (much more so than I did, but I did give him some support).
And finally, HAPPINESS, when my parents finally relented and I no
longer had to go to church. (Keith Brannen #713)
As I remember it, I woke up (literally and figuratively) sometime in the
middle of the night, sometime in December 1999. I had gone to bed several
hours earlier...I remember just waking up (maybe a noise caused it...dunno)
and having a feeling of "Oh, well that makes sense now." No particular
feeling attached to it--just a slight change in focus, attitude, etc.
I think I was already an atheist for most of my life and it just took me
that long to acknowledge it. (Dr. Smartass)
Empowered, actually. I knew I was never a believer, but I was never really
vocal about it until about 2 years ago. A theist friend of mine got super
offended when I made a sandwich and left the loaf of bread upside down.
Apparently he thought that this would offend god (although I still haven't
heard this from anyone else since). What followed was a 3 hour debate
(fight) about the existence or non-existence of god, during which time I
heard for the first time some of the stupidest arguments I have ever heard.
Funny thing is that I have heard the exact same idiocy over and over again
since joining this NG. Regardless, that was the day I became a full fledged
and outspoken atheist...and it felt really good. I know this sounds pompous
as hell, but I like being included in the 14% of intelligent freethinkers in
the world. I felt (and still feel) proud and independent for not swallowing
what I was fed, and having the intelligence to question what everyone else
just accepts. (Alex Traxel)
When I realized god was a fairy-tale, I nearly drowned in a melange of
emotion. First, there was the anger at my family and the rest of
society for having lied to me about something so important, sadnees
and disappointment at all the time I'd wasted in pursuit of that lie,
fear at the prospect of a future without my religious security
blanket, grief at the loss of a familiar comforting idea...and
_relief_. Relief at no longer having to reconcile the evils of the
world with a kind and loving god, at no longer having to ask "What did
we do to deserve this? Why are we being punished?" Relief that I
didn't have to live up to an arbitrary standard set by a being that
could change its mind on a whim. Relief from the fear that I would
never measure up and would be damned despite my best efforts.
And finally, an overwhelming sense of responsibility as I realized I
had noone to answer to but myself for my own actions, and that I had
no scapegoat to take the fall for my own misdeeds and no magical being
to assuage my conscience with a mere wave of a hand. I grew up. (WhiskeyJack)
Well, it wasn't a decision. It was the result of a fairly long process
that took about three years starting when I was about 15, and first
encountered the philosophy of deism in a world history class. I read
stuff lilke Paine's "The Age of Reason," Mark Twain's "Letters from
Earth," "The Passover Plot," and so forth, and was led by the logic of
the issues step by step into atheism, a process I tried to resist
every step of the way. When I finally saw that the teleological
argument was bunk, that was it. (A tip of the hat to the divine David)
The emotions I experienced were sadness at losing my imaginary friend
in the sky and rage that I had been taught such fairy tales. (Brian Holly)
i am a third generation polish american, born and raised in cleveland,
ohio. my mom, dad, and most of my relatives are devout roman catholics.
i was baptized as an infant, made my first communion in
second grade, etc. i went to parochial school for 8 years, followed
by 4 years at a jesuit high school. but i had become an atheist by
13 or 14 years of age.
at first i felt a bit guilty (catholicism will do this to you),
largely because i felt like i was betraying my family. i pretended to
be a catholic and kept my atheism hidden until i was about 16 or so.
when i finally came out, my immediate family was much more supportive
than i'd expected (can't say the same for the older folks, but most of
them are from "the old country"). since that time, i have experienced
nothing but an overwhelming sense of freedom and joy as a result of
my atheism. (nathan j. jun)
When I realized that I was an atheist, the first thing that I felt was
relief, as if a heavy weight or chains were removed from me. I described it
once as walking out of a dark cave into the sunlight. There was also a sense
of having a new weight placed on me, that is the responsibility of deciding
what to do with my life now that I was on my own, and no sky-daddy, church,
or 2500 year old books around to tell me what to do. There was a little fear
too, in that I had many new choices to make, and sometimes I was afraid of
making the wrong ones. Also, how was I to live in a society where the
majority were theists. Do I run up to every one I meet and shout: "Look at
me, I'm an atheist!", or do I hide my atheism, lie about it and live in a
closet? What about my theist family, who I loved and didn't want to hurt?
In time, I solved the problems and the fear subsided. At first, I was
neither happy or sad, but as time went by, as I became more secure in my
atheism, and I became very happy with my non-belief. (John Hachmann #1782)
I can't really remember when the "decision" was made. I was never really a
christian, although I did have a fear of what god might do to me as a child.
I gradually moved into deism (even though I didn't know the word at the
time), mainly because everyone around me believed in god. Even at that time,
I was once sent to the principles office for refusing to read the 23rd psalm
in class, but that was more of a rebellion against that specific "teacher"
than against religion.
It was just a general discomfort with the whole idea of worshiping something
that never showed itself, I guess.
I was never a vocal atheist until I came into the military. I just kept
hearing so much crap spewing from the mouths of "Real Americans" that I
finally had to speak up for myself. And now, 14 years later, I still find
myself voicing those same opinions to the same "Real Americans." (Wolf333)
Relief, in the way you feel relief when you've finished a hard work.
The way you feel on Friday evening after a hard work week, an "OK,
that's over, I'm tired but satisfied, let's get some joy now" feeling.
The process until I accepted I was an atheist was a bit more
frightening, with all the "someone looking over my shoulder" thing.
(Angel Arnal #1443)
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